The power of Authenticity part 4

Question and Answer Session on Self Doubt, Self Hatred, Self Denial.

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Q: When I project something about me to myself inside me, secretly I think something about me inside, but when I project it outside, it is something different, and when I keep on repeating this pattern, that very gap becomes a doubt on me to myself. That is self doubt?

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Swamiji: See, when not even when you keep on repeating, when others are convinced, that is when the self doubt starts. If you just go on be telling, ‘I am this, I am this, I am this’ and nobody is there except few trees and plants, it doesn't become self doubt. When others are convinced only, it becomes self doubt.

### (01:02)

Q: So then, self hatred is, when I am trying to project something about myself to others, but others are not willing to see that way. They perceive it as something different. So, when that happens, I feel at a loss every time how to make them convinced about it and that comes back as hatred for me.

### (01:27)

Swamiji: Unworthy. It starts as unworthy and becomes hatred. The consolidated unworthiness, solidified unworthiness becomes hatred.

### (01:40)

Q: So, like how I understood these two things, the third, self denial, I am not able to understand the direct relation between, the gap between how I perceive others and others perceive me, how that takes root as self denial.

### (01:56)

Swamiji: Listen Ma, you see, can you all provide listening? I am giving you deeper insights. Listen. We all want everyone around us to feel we are very loving, caring, very responsible, trustworthy, reliable person. We yearn for others to have a completely open, integrated relationship with us. Not lying, not cheating, completely integrated, completely authentic, very straight forward, truthful, honest. We expect that. But we ourself don’t do that. Why you know? Not that you want to be dishonest. You are afraid if you are open, honest, integrated, authentic, you may be vulnerable, others may exploit you, may take you for granted, may manipulate you. You always strongly believe being open means vulnerable. Because there is some part of you which can be manipulated by others. When you don’t have any incompletion which can be manipulated by others, you can be completely open and not feel vulnerable.

### (03:29)

Q: So the word self denial comes when I deny myself the option to be completely open to others.

### (03:38)

Swamiji: No, no, no. Not just completely open to others. When you expect others to be completely open, but you deny the possibility for yourself is self denial. When you don’t expect others and you deny it on you, then okay. It doesn't become self denial in you. When you expect others but you do not do it, it becomes self denial.

### (03:59)

Q: Ok Swamiji

### (04:00)

Swamiji: Clear? Everyone is clear about it?

### (04:08)

Q: Swamiji, you said self hatred, you said the pressure when it turns towards you, it becomes hatred, I got that. What is that which makes this gap denial.

### (04:26)

Swamiji: See... here there is no pressure. There is unbridgeable gap. You are not able to reach out. You are not able to open yourself. To be integrated, honest, authentic to the other person but you expect other person should be integrated, honest, authentic to you.

### (05:00)

Q: Yes, Swamiji. I understand that this is what is the seen actual situation but how does it…

### (05:05)

Swamiji: The first only pressure coming back. In this there is no pressure coming back. Here like a bridge, this end and that end is not even meeting.

### (05:14)

Q: Then why do we start suddenly denying good for us?

### (05:17)

Swamiji: Yes, yes. When you expect others and you do not do, that becomes denial. Why means because if you become integrated, authentic to the other person, there is a possibility he will exploit you. Somewhere earlier somebody would have exploited you, manipulated you or you would have heard the story somebody got manipulated. That’s all. So you become reserved.

### (05:47)

Q: So, that incompletion about something else what we heard or happened, gets manifested in the form of denying good for us, denying authenticity for us? Thank you.

### (05:59)

Swamiji: Yes, Balaji, go ahead.

Q: Hi Swamiji, I have I think some remaining questions on denial but first may I first confirm my understanding of self doubt? So one example I worked through is, when some people consider me intelligent and charming, I think I don’t feel that way inside but I seem to have convinced them and I get your point that it is the convincing that causes me the doubt but I don’t know why.

### (06:31)

Swamiji: You see, you convinced others but you yourself don’t feel that way. Then what am I? So, then anything I have convinced others is not true? Anything can be questioned. I might have convinced others I am a man that can be questioned. I might have convinced others I am from this country, that can be questioned. Anything about me others have been convinced can be questioned.

### (06:56)

Q: So it creates a general uncertainty about everything and removes the foundation?

### (07:01)

Swamiji: Yes. the general uncertainty about everything related to your self is like a building a building on a earthquake land, earthquake prone land.

### (07:15)

Q: No solid foundation. Ok and then self hatred, the example it came to my memory was, I tried to convince a friend about the truth of the spiritual experience. He didn't respond the way I wanted. So I was angry at his non compliance.

### (07:38)

Swamiji: The anger becomes hatred towards you, that you are not worthy of being complied by him.

### (07:45)

Q: Yes, I started to break myself for first, not explaining it right, then, thinking I am incapable of explaining it right and then I saw in myself that the anger at him started to turn into unworthiness and like you said solidified into hatred. Ok. With denial, I think I am still struggling a little bit, but from what I am gathering my own experience, I expect life in others to treat me the same way, give it to me a certain way but I don’t want to give the same back to life in others.

### (08:20)

Swamiji: That’s all. Yes, you have any question? Please go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

### (08:27)

Q: Swamiji, I really appreciated the clarification on the expectation part because a little bit I was struggling with. In fact I think I had a lot of bad experiences with to expect certain things and it wasn't happening. So Now I had no expectations. So if I expect something…

### (08:48)

Swamiji: No, it is not the way life is going to progress. How to solve the issue we will see further. Now I just wanted you to understand the whole thing. No expectation is not the solution.

### (09:00)

Q: I was thinking if I don’t have expectations, if I don’t get, that doesn't surprise, then I won’t be disappointed.

### (09:05)

Swamiji: No, no. No expectation is not the solution. I’ll tell you what to do.

### (09:11)

Q: Ok, thank you.

### (09:12)

Swamiji: Yes.

### (09:15)

Q: Actually..For example, my husband won’t accept whatever I am saying. (says in tamil) I feel hurt when he does that, is it Self denial or Self hatred?

### (09:46)

Swamiji: (speaks in tamil) When what you said is not accepted by others it turns as Self hatred.

### (09:48)

Q: Sometimes I tell lie because he may get angry.

### (09:58)

Swamiji: Whatever justification you give, it comes under self doubt.

### (10:04)

Q: (in tamil) Self denial relating to husband.

### (10:10)

Swamiji: (in tamil) Expecting husband to be open but we ourselves not being open. Yes, please go ahead.

### (10:24)

Q: Thank you, Swamiji. I specially wanted to thank you on giving a very clear-cut distinction regarding my being responsible when I am not perceived as the reason for something. Thank you very much. I think everyone should know about that. That has been causing a lot of problem. And the other one, Swamiji, yesterday I said what was my purpose of coming over here. Regarding Self denial, in nearly sixty years of my life, I have been trusting towards everyone and like you said, people would have taken advantage of that. That has happened many times and given a chance, I would still trust people and still be taken advantage. Can we do something about that?

### (11:09)

Swamiji: You see, I will answer this question after this completion process.

### (11:13)

Q: Thank you.

### (11:15)

Swamiji: Yes, please go ahead Ma.

### (11:16)

Q: Namaste, Swamiji. This is my understanding regarding self denial. I wrote my experiences. I want everyone to be surrounded by me. I want so many people with me, but I don’t personally on my own won’t go and mingle with anybody. That is self denial, Ok. Second one, whatever work I take up, or whatever I try to do, it gets delayed (speaks in tamil) When I started thinking after your class, it is my understanding whatever work comes to me, I should have done priority basis. (speaks in tamil) Probably I would have left out the priorities. This is my guess. Please correct me.

### (12:11)

Swamiji: No, your guess is right.

### (12:13)

Q: So me feeling I am unlucky should be corrected.

### (12:17)

Swamiji: That actually comes under Inner image.

### (12:21)

Q: Okay but, my doubt is Swamiji, I like to keep myself away from the people who try to create problem. But somehow the problem happens to me through somebody else, but I don’t create such problem to somebody.

### (12:40)

Swamiji: Okay. I understand. We will deal this issue when we complete the completion.

### (12:46)

Q: But this is also self denial, Swamiji?

### (12:47)

Swamiji: No, this is not self denial. When we go through this process, many of these questions will be answered. Then I will take up the remaining questions, like how Balaji’s questions got answer the moment he went through this.

### (13:00)

Q: Thank you, Swamiji.

### (13:02)

Swamiji: Ma, I will take your questions also later on, if it is there, if it is left out, unattended.

Yes, now we will be going to the next levels of finding out the root, finding out the incompletions. Step by step I will lead you... Because still I have not completely shared what Kalabhairava said. In the next sessions, see next session, we are going to write what we want as a inner image, what we want as outer image, the best inner image, the best outer image, best others’ image, best life image we want to have. So from that perspective, we will start penning down all the incompletion. I think when we do it step by step, you will understand.

### (13:58)

So, all the Thanedars, Kotharis, Mahants, SriMahants who are online attending through two way video conferencing, still I have not completely shared what Kalabhairava has gifted. So if you are free, you can join. That’s all, not compulsion. No, not Thanedars, sorry! Mahants, Kotharis, SriMahants. Okay, so, let’s gather for next session. Thank you, Be Blissful.

### (14:28)