“One more fortunate batch to complete the whole, all the 4 temples or…”

One more fortunate batch to complete the whole, all the 4 temples or all the four places beautifully. This travel agents were telling few, 3 things. One - we are the largest group who travel. Second thing - we are the largest group who come every year. Third thing - this is the important thing. There were 4-5 travel agents told me this. For even last 20-30 years who are coming here, even they say we are the only batch who see all the 4 at a time, all the 4 temples at a time. Because of the natural, unexpected, nature and all those, so many reasons. Always people will miss something, some one temple. We are the batch who see all the 4 regularly. Little back pain or butt pain or headache or cold or whatever it is, anyhow successfully you guys have finished seeing all the main, major 4 temples. Now the 3-4 days, even if there is little bit of headache or back pain or this-that, all those things will disappear in 3-4 days. But this memory will be staying with you. And this memory is worthy of these little this-that pains. Nothing wrong. So nothing much to tell this time, only celebrate. Because successfully we are done. The whole thing. That's the traditional belief if people see all the 4 at a time they will be liberated, means they will not have any more births. So this maya will not allow them to do that.

Maya, always disturbs.She does something and discourages them and breaks their confidence and stops the program. With us nothing can be done. Master is a mayatitananada. Mayatita, so now no maya can do anything. Even the few maya's who came, means like, 'oh, this is not right, that is not right, grumbling, all those few maya's also disappeared. Either the maya quality disappeared or those persons disappeared. Some way, I think actually only the qualities disappeared. Persons nobody disappeared, practically, except one or two people who fell sick, one or two, otherwise only the negative qualities have disappeared. No person has disappeared. hmm.. Different culture, different age, different background, different country, different education, different understanding, different mental setup, half screw, 1 screw, quarter loose, eh, half loose, 3/4th loose, all kindle, kinds of looses, like, just like Shiva, Shiva Sena. The Shiva boothas one will be one way, the other one will be other way. Not 2 bootha will be same. Or look alike. And just like Shiva bootha, we created a big Shiva Ganas, Shiva boothas and went through the whole trip without any major difficulty, problem. This itself is a miracle. Understand, this itself is a miracle. We take it for granted. Actually we take it for granted. But you don't know this itself is a miracle. You do not know the amount of work which went behind this whole trip.

The amount of attention, energy and the work which went behind this whole trip. You do not know. At least 20 people, somebody was telling, 'Swamiji, you allowed us only to sleep 4 hours per day. At least 20 people did not sleep for 20 days. Working, even the cooks selection, we made them cook 3-4 people. I ate personally and choose the cook. Like that every inch, every inch was taken care. And 2 months ago the ashramites came here, went through the whole thing. To tell you honestly we are the largest group and we are the group who faces very minimum difficulties. Because nature never disturbs us. Nature is always for us. It never disturbed us. It never created any problem for us. Just simply cooperates wherever we go. Today when we went to that Vyas gufa, Vyas cave, Vysa's cave there was raining. All these guys were telling, 'oh Swamiji it is raining, let's go back, lets go back'. I said, 'relax it will stop'. It stopped.

And we were enjoying. After that there was a small little drizzle. But it was not even felt by anybody. Then our Shiva boothas you know, started jumping in the Kailash. See, now these guys got all the 3 - Shiva, Kailash, Ganga. So all 3 are there. So these fellows were jumping and the dust flowing, it was looking like really these Shiva boothas dancing. it was looking just like Shiva bootha's dancing only. Because each is one-one size. From bamboo size to pot size, all kinds of sizes, all kinds of steps also. And moreover our boothas don't have training of a particular steps. So just everybody jumps. Each bootha allows the music to go inside and allows the body to jump. It was just just Shiva boothas only dancing. Because they are missing few people, they caught hold of that local tribes also. Caught hold of them also and started jumping. I don't know whether that village would have seen like this festival.

I think practically the whole village was there around us thinking from where these guys have come. Actually to tell you honestly we did not face any problem. That is the problem. That is why we go on create some problem. Actually the human mind is such, in Tamil they say 'pannada buddhi'. Pannada means it is a net comes out of the coconut tree, natural net with which they will filter the ghee. Whenever the ghee is melted, they will filter with that net only. So all the unwanted things that net will hold. And water things it will leave it. The ghee is the real valuable thing. That it will miss. But all the dust which is in the ghee , it will, the pannada will take it away, the net will take it away. So our buddhi is pannada buddhi. All the nice things we take it for granted. Whenever we see one or two small-small things, then we start making big things. That's why actually, these few days constantly I was creating some psychological trouble for people. Why you know, otherwise they will start creating physical troubles. It is good to have some psychological trouble. At least it will disappear. If you don't have one or two little-little psychological trouble you will start creating trouble for yourself. That's why I thought let them have little trouble. That's good. Otherwise your mind will be engaged. You see when you have one or two little psychological trouble your mind will be engaged. Otherwise what will happen. Actually meditation itself is a psychological trouble given to people. I am telling you the truth. No really. Why you know, otherwise you go on creating all sorts of nonsense. Problems inside your head. So once you give the meditation technique to that fellow, he will be sitting and trying-trying-trying-trying-trying-trying-trying with the meditation technique. He will not create problems for himself. Actually what mediation does, it does not bring bliss to you. It just stops you stopping the bliss process. Bliss is there always in you. You create troubles and stop the bliss. So when you are given the mediation technique., you stop the stopping process. That's all. Then you start experiencing bliss. Then you say 'o, mediation gives bliss'. Meditation does not give bliss. You are constantly creating some trouble for you. So when the mediation is give, you stop creating trouble. That's some thing like these monkeys, actually if you give them some work, work means something like one flower garland or something to tear and play. They will be just only doing that. They will not bother about anybody else If you don't supply any material for them, they start harassing everybody.

Like that only our mind is a monkey. So if you give the mediation, it will be fully entertained with that meditation. hmm.. hmm. hmmm. it will not have anything else to think you see. Of course, there are different lineage meditations. Some do the meditation, mmm, some do the meditation see, there are different lineage meditations are there. So we don't know much about other lineages. Only our lineage we know mmm mmm mmm. When you are, when you do something like this, then your nonsense head which goes on creating trouble for you, it will stop working. It will stop working. Then naturally the bliss will start happening. That is why masters create little bit of that '' difficulty, psychological. Its not even disturbance, they make you think something. They make you little, what to say that - what you think as agitation. They will constantly poke at your identity.

Actually yesterday when I was speaking in English I was firing the non-Bharatn fellows identity. When I was speaking in Tamil I was firing Bharatns identity. I was actually attacking both the fellows at a time. I was telling these fellows also 'fools, you will not achieve anything in this way. Do something.' And I was telling these fellows also, 'you will not achieve anything in this way. Do..'. Actually I am trying to add to both the group which they don't have. Each group is missing something. This fellows are missing, the Bharatn fellows are missing the outer world, the organizing, clarity. And the non-Bharatn fellows are missing the inner world, the depth or the courage to drop the identity. So both I was poking. Tried to poke. And tell these fellows 'add the other part'. Only, actually one is intellect based, another one is emotion based. But both the fellows are missing the being. When you balance that two, being starts happening. That is the whole gist. But the difficulty is emotion based fellows will not argue much. It is easy to teach them. But intellect based fellows will be go on arguing. That's why I also give all nonsensical logic. Sometimes I give information which I know very clearly, I just give opposite information. So that, that fellow will get agitated. When he gets agitated, he will start getting irritated. 'What, what is this? He is completely changing the information.' Its not that I don't know the information. Usually just to.. that violence. When that violence comes out... Just to see how much depth that violence is there. And how much it can come out. Anyhow, nice. Whether it is psychological or physical or emotional, whatever is said and done, we do meticulously everything, from the ceremonial bath in RIshikesh to all the step by step till today's Badri shraadha, everything is done. Moreover people are able to understand and relate with what they are doing. Because they understand the meaning. Alright nothing much to speak. Maybe I will just finish the story of yesterdays depression which I was talking.

I wanted all of you to know one more thing - this is the same hall - 3 years ago - first time I gave mass energy darshan. The whole group had energy darshan at a time. Whole group had energy darshan at a time. That was the first time I gave energy darshan without touching to the whole group and the whole group experienced he energy, had the inner experience. This is the same hall we had the group energy darshan 3 years ago. Last year also. Badri is a high energy center. This mass energy darshan and all depends on the intensity of the disciples also, you understand. Because when the Masters body releases... Ramakrishna says beautifully. There is a breeze called malayamaarutham, traditionally, mystical story, when the breeze comes all the tree will become sandal, sandal wood tree. Means that, not the quality, means all the trees will start having the smell of sandalwood, but never the banana tree. On banana tree whatever scent you put, you will not have any good smell. That banana tree is such, all the good smell will be taken away by it and it will never have, radiate the good smell. So even for mass energy darshan you need, you can't have banana trees. Too many banana trees cannot allow the mass energy darshan. Of course, after that I gave 4-5 times.

It was a nice story. See, I was studying under a monk, under a swami named Ramananda Saraswati. The greatness of this swami is - 6 months he will go house to house of his devotees and beg. Whatever money he gets, he will come back, stay in Madhya Pradesh - Madhya Pradesh there is a place called Omkareshwar, stay in that place and he will take Gita class for 6 months. Whoever comes he will give free food and stay for them. 6 months he will go round house to house of devotees and beg, whatever money he gets he will bring. With that money he will give free food for whoever comes to learn Gita. He is a great scholar. People from all over the world used to come to him to study Vedanta and Gita. I think he is more than 90 years old. And one more thing, important thing he is still alive. He is still alive. He is teaching. He is still teaching. I had the great fortune to sit at his feet to study. He is not only scholar in Hindi. He is a scholar in English also. Nice great mahatma. He is a great mahatma. I derived a big inspiration from him to give the, to share the knowledge. The amount of knowledge which he used to have. Not only he will offer free classes, he will give free food and shelter, both. 6 months he will go round house to house to devotees, beg and bring the money and manage. Such a high dedicated soul. Still alive and still conducting the programs.

Every year 6 moths if you go to Omkareshwar, Madhya Pradesh, you can stay under him and study. Some 2-300 people will come. Everyday he will give free food for everybody. And give them the knowledge. Amazing person. I heard about him and went there to study. I was studying around a month, maybe a month or two, not more than 2 months. 1 1/2, between 1 month to 2 month. Because I don't know the, I never had the calendar, I don't know how many days and all exactly. I can say, average. I was studying. Suddenly at one point, of course I was intensely meditating also. I felt a deep depression, means the... too strong. You see the, more strong you hold on to an ideology or to a person, the more deeper will be your depression. If you hold on, hang on to a person, your boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife or whatever, son or brother or father, you have the depression and start blaming that person is the reason for depression. Same way, if you hang on or strongly hold your ego or identity or ideology, again you will face the depression. When you face depression due to a ideology or identity or ego you will start blaming the whole world. You will start blaming the whole world. You will lose confidence on the whole world. You will lose trust on the whole world.

Holding on to the strong identity or strong ideology is the worst hell anybody can have. So, I was having my own hell. Means the strong identity created towards enlightenment. And suddenly the deep depression, practically whatever should be done to achieve enlightenment I have done. But enlightenment has not happened. So the deep depression came in such a way, like a wave, completely I lost trust and confidence on the whole ideology of enlightenment. Not only that all the masters who inspired me. Ramakrishna and Ramana Maharshi were my great inspiration, especially Ramakrishna. Completely I lost the respect for Ramakrishna. That's what I was telling you the other day. When you fall in depression you will not have intelligence to associate the reason for your depression with your identity. You will not have intelligence to think your identity is cause for your depression. You will start suspecting everybody and blaming everybody. You will start blaming everybody. Even a simple reason is enough for you to blame that person that he is the reason for your depression. That is the big problem with strong ego and strong identity fellows. That's why better not to build the identity or ego. In that way you will be, even if you are, you always think that if I don't have strong identity others will cheat me. If others cheat you they will cheat you at the most only few hours. If you build the strong identity, your identity will cheat you for whole life. Because it will be there around you when you are in waking state, when you are in dream state, when you are in deep sleep state, all 3 state you will be in hell 24 hours.

Better to be cheated by others than to be cheated by your own identity. That's the worst thief. I tell you - the disease grows inside you and kills you. Medicine grows outside and heals you. Just because it is outside don't think its something which will disturb you. Your identity also like that - Grows inside and destroys you. But you always suspect only others, you will not suspect you. I was also doing the same thing. I started suspecting Ramakrishna, Ramana Maharshi and not only that, anyhow God saved they are not alive. Otherwise I would have fought with them just like you guys are fighting with me. Some, some not all. Some are fighting with me. I would have fought with them. Anyhow fortunately they are not alive. They were not alive at that time. But my depression was such, I started thinking - 'what? I left my house and everything, thinking that I will have enlightenment. These fellows will do something for me. And especially when I left my house, the last courage to take that jump came to me by the darshan of Ramakrishna and Sharada Devi. Both of them gave me darshan. Just 3 days before I left the house. Actually I was boiling. But I did not have the courage to take that jump. Drop and run - that never happened in me. That did not happen in me. One early morning, actually one whole day I read Ramakrishna's gospel - Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna.

After that, after reading the book, I just put the book and slept. That night, my whole night was Sri Ramakrishna. Early morning suddenly I had the vision, it was not even a dream actually, it was a vivid vision - Ramakrishna and Sharada Devi appeared and Sharada Devi put the hand on my head and initiated me, gave energy darshan and I felt such a tremendous high energy. Ramakrishna was smiling at me and such a high energy, I decided I will leave the house and I took the quantum jump. So that gave me the courage to take the jump. Now when the depression came, the whole anger turned towards Ramakrishna only and I started feeling like a somebody who has been cheated. And I started thinking - the cream of the life is youth and my youth I wasted on this nonsense ideology of enlightenment thinking something will happen to my head and I neither studied to have some job nor made some money through business. Nothing! Nothing is there. So. And I fought with the whole family also and came away. Means father - mother I did not fight because they did not stop me. But all the other relatives I fought with them nicely, fired them and left the house. So I started thinking 'arrey, what will happen now. I am neither getting enlightened nor living the normal life. It's like nowhere. Then the deep depression became anger towards the Ramakrishna. And I was using a mantra - meditating.

I used to use a, have a mantra to meditate. Constantly I will repeat the mantra, and used to have the japamala. The japamala got completely polished just because I did japa, just by my counting, counting, counting, counting, that whole mala was completely polished. Per day 10,000 times I used to count. 108 bead one hand, another one 108 bead in another hand. If I finish 1 mala, I will move 1 bead here. So by the time this while mala is done what will happen - 10,000. So, and not only that, all sorts of tapas I used to do. So when the deep depression came, I used to have the Ramakrishna's photo. I just picked up that photo which I used to worship like anything. Just threw the photo in such a anger, it was glass framed, it went and hit the wall in the, wall means that rock and got broken completely. I did not even care to go near that. Dropped. And just walked to the river and the japamala which I was having, I thought 'enough - all this spiritual practice. Nonsense.' And took that japamala, mentally decided, not only the japamala, I am throwing this mantra also. Let it get lost. Let me be free from all this nonsense, of tension, practice and spiritual practice, enlightenment and all this pressure. Took the mala and threw into the Narmada, the river. Visually, mentally I thought so strongly that I am throwing this mantra also, let it be lost. I promise I don't know how you will believe, I forgot the mantra from that day. I was never able to remember the mantra again still now. Still now I am not able to remember that mantra. That mantra was lost. I tried to retrieve that file many time. Only some 1 syllable I could get. Never the complete thing came back. It was lost once for all. Anyhow, after that. After that also, alright I broke the photo, but what to do about the life - the tremendous insecurity feeling and the fear. And apart from that I was not able to face the depression, not only the depression, I was not able to face the depression. Depression about the depression. I started walking inside the river - decided to die. All fraction of second decision. Fraction of a second decision. Because you will never have the courage to die if you think twice. If you think - you will never have the courage to die. If any of you have tried for committing suicide you know. eh. You will never have the courage to die if you think twice. Even in that you are useless. Not only you I am also useless. Even in that I am not successful. Anyhow.

I just started walking. Till the water came up to the hip level there was no fear. When the water came up to the hip level, then the regular fear started. 'Shall we go back - shall we go back'. The mind started. But the other side strongly - No, its after all 5 minutes process, let's forget. I just closed the eyes tightly and started walking full speed. Full speed started walking inside the river. Waking, walking, walking, mind is thinking 'what is this, still water is not covering me'. Because it's a big river. Narmada is not a small river. Big river. Again, what I am, promise, it has happened, the truth - satya, it has happened. However you understand, understand. Full speed I was walking. Suddenly one rock hit my leg and I fell. I saw I was already on the other shore. I was already on the other shore. I do not know whether I walked on the rock and crossed or it was a miracle that Narmada did not want to take my body. When I got up and looked back, I simply felt, literally I felt the Narmada was laughing. Why you know - traditionally Narmada river is believed as a virgin.A sanyasi is not supposed to cross that river. He can only do parikrama, means he can go round the river. I took nine month and did complete parikrama of that river - 1800 kms, 9 and half months I did complete parikrama of that river from Amarkantak to Amarkantak. So I just saw, and from the young age I never learnt swimming because sanyasi is not supposed to cross the river. So I used to be very strong with this ideology. When I fell, when I just got up just felt that river is laughing at me. First thing I thought, thought came to my mind was, the strong idea which I was holding. Actually, when I was 4 or 5 some of my uncle, father's sisters village. We used to go there for vacation in a very young age. They were trying to teach swimming, They put the kids in the well and kids has to start swimming. When they started teaching me I said, 'No, I am a Swami. I should not learn swimming'. From that time I was so strong about the ideology. About the ideology. When I fell and got up that river was laughing at me. First thing came to, came in my mind was that ideology which I was having was lost. That was the thing came to my mind. Suddenly in that moment itself the desire to die has disappeared. And there was no more depression. It wad not blissful. But no depression. Just a deep peace. Like as if catharsis has happened. Even now we went to the same Omkareshwar. i showed them, these guys, where I crossed. I do not know how it happened. But I did not drown. That's all we know. Maybe the Narmada did not want to take my body or whatever it is. The depression disappeared. And the deep peace.

Now how to come back to this side. That's the big problem. The walking was done with all the courage. Now how to come back. So walk, walk, walk in the banks of river till you find the bridge and I crossed through the bridge and came back to the place where I was staying. To the place where I was staying. Alright... the depression disappeared. There was a deep peace inside but not bliss. How the bliss happened.

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